The 5 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding the Cycle

Have you suffered at the hands of narcissistic abuse?

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist that has come to an end then you will know it because of the painful way it will have unfolded. You’ll have been discarded, tossed aside and subject to emotional and psychological abuse along the way. Even before you are discarded, the narcissist will have been playing the victim behind your back, recruiting their supporters and laying their plans to exert even more power and control over you.

There is no simple way to put it, narcissistic abuse is painful and abusive. You will be on the back foot and confused by what is happening. Your good name will be dragged through the mud by those who buy into their false accusations and stories of how you were the problem. Narcissists prey upon kind, caring and empathetic people because those very qualities mean you won’t see the abuse that is happening to you. You may not even spot how they devalued you and controlled you during the relationship. Only when it is over will you realise you have lost your sense of worth and your identity. The narcissist was only ever interested in having power and control over you.

Just when you need to be at your strongest, you realise they have stolen your own sense of who you are. You are left broken, confused and alone. The narcissist will have already isolated you from some, if not all, of those you were once close to. And many of the rest will buy into the victim story that they are being convincingly fed. It may be a quick process, or you may find that they have been spreading their lies about you for weeks, months or even years before you first know anything about it.

If you’ve ever felt like a relationship started like a fairy tale and ended in emotional chaos, you’re not alone. Narcissistic abuse follows a pattern. It’s a cycle that leaves you confused, heartbroken, and wondering how things went so wrong. Understanding the stages of narcissistic abuse can help you make sense of what happened. It won’t change what has happened, especially as the narcissist lacks any personal insight and they think they have no need to change anything about themselves (in their story you are, and always were, the problem). However, knowledge can help you to start healing and to move on from the abuse you have endured.

 

What is a Narcissist?

Before going into more detail about the stages of abuse, it’s worth pausing just to consider what a narcissist is considered to be.

At a general level, a narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Sometimes this is obvious and visible. However, often it operates covertly. They may be described by those who really know them as having a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality. To the outside world they can appear all sweetness and light, ever eager to be helpful and supportive. Behind closed doors they turn angry, lack empathy and they are manipulative and controlling. You walk on eggshells and, if you fail to comply with their rules and expectations, you will know all about it.

Some of the common traits of narcissistic behaviour include a belief that they are better or more important than others. They have a constant need for praise and admiration, often resenting other people and criticising them behind their back. They manipulate and use others to help them achieve their goals; you are only useful if you serve a purpose. Whilst they give the impression that they understand or care about the feelings of others, in reality, they are only concerned with their own feelings and will turn conversations back onto themselves if it strays away for too long. They expect others to do what they want them to and they tend to be very sensitive to criticism or perceived slights, sometimes even cutting others out of their lives for having a simple difference of opinion.

Not everyone with these narcissistic traits has a clinically diagnosable disorder. Like most aspects of personality, it forms a spectrum and can vary with people. situation and context. The dream start to your relationship with a narcissist soon descends into something like your worst nightmare.

 

The 5 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse

If you are reading this, then it is very likely that you have, or suspect you have, been the victim of narcissistic abuse. Of course, it is not possible to actually label someone as being a narcissist without them undergoing a psychological assessment. Yet you will likely notice that they very much displayed strong narcissistic traits during your relationship. You may not have noticed what was happening at the time, but looking back now, you will notice how the various stages of narcissistic abuse were there all along.

 

1. Idealisation (aka Love Bombing)

The first stage in narcissistic abuse is love bombing.

You meet the person and at first, everything feels almost too good to be true. You are the love of their life, they’ve never met anyone as perfect as you. All of their other partners were horrible and abusive to them but you are the ‘one’. The compliments and praise flow and you can do no wrong. Now, a lot of relationships have an initial honey moon period where positives are amplified and any little flaws are over looked. Love bombing goes beyond this. The narcissist is like a vampire getting their sharp fangs lodged into you, ready for the process of draining away your worth and your sense of self.

This early stage probably feels good to you. You may even feel lucky that this person is so into you. Who doesn’t want to feel loved and wanted. It can feel intoxicating. And because you are a loving, empathetic and supportive person you don’t see the evil lurking behind the praise. It isn’t something that occurs to you because it is so alien to your own personality.

During this first stage, the narcissist pours on the charm. You are drawn in by the compliments, constant attention, grand gestures, and promises of a perfect future. They are already talking about your perfect future life together and the bliss of being together and holding hands as you grow older. They seem to ‘get’ you on a soul-deep level, often mirroring your likes, values, and dreams. This creates a powerful emotional bond that feels almost magical.

But behind the outer facade, this intensity and love bombing is about control, not connection.

 

2. Devaluation

Once their love bombing has been successful and you are emotionally invested, the narcissist slowly begins to chip away at your self-esteem. Slowly, gradually and consistently, they eat away at your identity, self-belief and sense of worth.  There are little comments here and there. You notice they have a need to be in control of everything – time, money, conversations, the home. Everything becomes about them and what they want. This shift is confusing and painful, especially after such an idyllic beginning.

The things that formerly received praise turn into your flaws to be criticised. They might give you the silent treatment, twist your words, or subtly undermine you. They can start an argument at the drop of a hat to unsettle you and to seek to drive you to comply even more. You hate the upset and drama and you appease them. They never apologise for anything but demand that you give them an apology, even where you know you have done nothing wrong. Power and control.

If you enjoy something they will bombard you with reasons to give it up. You are in their life to support their pleasure, not your own. If they are sick it is a huge deal and you must be at hand to serve them; if you are sick they may just leave you to it. Gas-lighting becomes common as they develop their own false narrative of events and try, through manipulation and anger, to get you to accept their version. You may start questioning your own memory and reactions, even your own worth. You probably have ‘rules’ that you have to follow but that they don’t apply these to themselves.

When you look back on the relationship, you realise they slowly and surely isolated you from more and more people. You were made to feel guilty for spending time with friends. They criticise friends and family to the point that even mentioning these people sends the narcissist into a rage. The constant criticisms and degrading of friends and family leads you to slowly close in your world and you become more isolated. Sadly for you, without you even knowing it, they are telling others that the criticism comes from you. They belittle, criticise and undermine you behind your back and their own criticisms of others are things they attribute to you.

You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, unsure when they will next kick off and, when they do (as they will) you struggle to work out what it is you are even supposed to have done wrong. It’s all about their own power and control over you (while at the same time telling others that you are the one controlling them).

 

3. Discard

Just when you think things might improve, or when you’re at your lowest, the narcissist discards you. Either they fear you have worked them out, or they have decided you no longer serve enough of a purpose. They crave a fresh supply of attention and compliance. It is often said they you know who was the narcissist in a relationship because they are the one who will move onto a new partner the quickest. They cannot cope without the attention from others and without anyone to manipulate and control.

The narcissist might ghost you, cheat on you, lash out or simply walk away coldly. The more emotionally upsetting and damaging to you, the better they feel.  And, even more intoxicating to them, they can play the victim and get attention, support and empathy from those who buy into the lies they tell. Make no mistake, when it comes to the discard, the narcissist hates you and wants to destroy you. They don’t care how they do it, often using children, money, legal proceedings, family and friends to exert their control.

And, because they have worked tirelessly to isolate you from others, you may have little in the way of a support network to help and guide you. Remember, they’ve been telling your family and mutual friends for a long time how terrible a person you are. They’ve probably even been telling others for a long time that you are the narcissist in the relationship.

If you have ever questioned whether you are actually a narcissist then relax, you aren’t. Narcissists lack the insight to even consider whether they are the problem.

The discard phase will leave you confused, shaken and in tears. You will be shocked, unprepared and left trying to pick up the emotional pieces. Sometimes the discard is dramatic and cruel, other times it’s quiet and abrupt. Either way, it leaves you with deep emotional scars.

Their goal from the discard is to regain a sense of power and control over you by making you feel disposable and unworthy.  You are going to need to be strong here. Narcissists are master manipulators and there are many people who will simply buy into their false narratives, false allegations and stories of woe. There are going to be a lot of knives stuck into your back but I want you to know that you will make it through the discard. The truth always wins in the end.

 

4. Hoovering (The ‘Come Back’ Trap)

This stage does not always apply. Yet, when it does, it’s another method of exerting control and power over you. Because just when you’re trying to move on, they come back.

This stage is named after the hoover vacuum because here the narcissist tries their best to suck you back in. They might reach out with apologies, promises to change, or reminders of the good times. Perhaps things weren’t that bad after all is what they want you to think. They seek to, once again, lodge their fangs into your empathy, love and trauma connection. They will try and evoke deep rooted positive associations, even going back to their love bombing period. It can seem intoxicating and those strong emotions and associations start to rise, whilst all the negatives become subdued in your mind for a while. Like a fly caught in a spider’s web, you become entangled in their trap.

You haven’t yet worked out their narcissistic traits and it now seems like all the other relationship quarrels that you may have experienced with others in the past. To your mind you are putting the arguments and negatives behind you as you reconnect and look to move forward together. For you it is forgive and forget. To their mind, however, if you come back then their grip over you tightens.

It can feel and seem that they are being sincere, but hoovering is usually just another form of manipulation. The cycle of control is meant to continue, and each round tends to get worse for you.

 

5. Recovery

The final stage in narcissistic abuse is all about your own recovery and healing.

After the trauma of narcissistic abuse, survivors often experience anxiety, self-doubt, depression and even symptoms of trauma. If you are at this stage and you are struggling, please do go and see your doctor urgently.

In the aftermath of the discard you will experience despair, anxiety and even hopelessness. The discard is designed and planned by the narcissist to cause you as much pain and suffering as possible. You may struggle with switching off, sleeping and eating. You may want to isolate yourself from others and find, even when in company, all you can do is think and speak about what has happened. Whilst some people will be there for you, others will shy away and choose not to get involved. Some others will align with the narcissist and embolden their abuse of you.

It will be tough and there will be some highs alongside many immense lows. But with time, support, and self-work, healing is absolutely possible. Going ‘no contact’, working with a therapist, and educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and patterns can be life changing. The most important thing is that you are now free and can move forwards. You deserve peace, clarity, and true love. However bad it feels now, you can and will move from sufferer to survivor.

Narcissistic abuse is deeply damaging. You cannot come out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed. The psychological and emotional scars run deep.

However, by starting to understand that none of this is your fault, you can start to heal and recover. The narcissist may well portray themselves as the victims to all who will listen, but you are the real victim here. Slowly and surely they stole your self-esteem and self worth with their manipulative and controlling ways. The good news here is that once you are out of the relationship, you will start to regain your inner worth, happiness and freedom. You will discover that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever could have imagined.

By understanding the narcissistic cycle and holding with the truth in the face of the tsunami of their lies, and with some support along the way, you can break free and heal. You can become an even better version of yourself and use your experience to protect yourself from future manipulation.

 

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Anxiety Hypnotherapist in Ely & Newmarket

 

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