Why Approval Seeking Keeps Anxiety Going (And What To Do Instead)

Do you spend a lot of time worrying about keeping other people happy? Or maybe you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding conflict, overthinking conversations or worrying about disappointing people? It can feel like getting the nod of approval from others is the most important thing and guides your life.

If so, you are certainly not alone.

Many people who struggle with anxiety, low confidence or overthinking are not just worrying about what other people think. They are also working incredibly hard to gain approval, avoid criticism and keep everyone around them happy. They put themselves and their own needs last. Everyone else seems to always come first. It can feel exhausting.

The main problem is that approval seeking often creates exactly the stress, anxiety and self-doubt you are trying to avoid. You get caught in a pattern of doing the same things and getting the same anxious result.

This article expands on a topic I recently covered in my Ely Standard column about why we care what people think.

One of the patterns that often sits underneath that fear of judgement is approval seeking – the tendency to look to other people for reassurance, validation or permission to feel okay about ourselves.

Understanding this pattern can be a powerful step towards feeling calmer, more confident and more comfortable being yourself.

 

Quick Summary

Approval seeking can show up as:

• people pleasing
• difficulty saying no
• fear of disappointing others
• overthinking conversations
• avoiding conflict
• constantly seeking reassurance
• worrying what people think

In this article you’ll discover:

• why approval seeking develops
• why it often becomes exhausting
• how it fuels anxiety and overthinking
• why confidence grows when you stop relying on approval
• practical ways to start changing the pattern

Many people believe they need more approval to feel better. Often the opposite is true.

The less dependent you become on approval, the more confident and comfortable you feel in yourself.

 

Related Articles

• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hub
• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hypnotherapy in Ely
• How To Tame Your Inner Critic
• Why Do I Care So Much What People Think?
• How To Stop Overthinking In Social Situations
• Social Anxiety vs Low Confidence
• Anxiety and Worrying What Other People Think
• Anxiety Hub
• Anxiety Hypnotherapy in Ely

 

Why Approval Matters So Much

Human beings are social creatures. For thousands of years, belonging to a group increased the chances of survival. In fact, being thrown out of the group meant almost certain death.

Being accepted mattered and being rejected could be dangerous.

It makes sense that our brains still care about fitting in and being accepted by other people, even though the world is now a very different place.

The problem comes when that natural desire for acceptance turns into a constant need for approval. It becomes driven by fear and anxiety over possible rejection, criticism or conflict.

When I struggled with social anxiety, the fear of being rejected, judged or criticised drove my decisions. I would do things because I thought others would approve and I would avoid things if I thought I could be abandoned or cast aside. Everything was tied to what I thought others might think.

Instead of being guided by your own values and decisions, you start becoming guided by how you think other people might react.

 

How Approval Seeking Shows Up

In my work as an anxiety therapist in Ely, approval seeking often appears in ways people don’t immediately recognise.

Someone might:

• constantly apologise
• struggle to express an opinion
• avoid disagreeing with others
• worry excessively about upsetting people
• replay conversations afterwards
• seek reassurance repeatedly
• put everyone else’s needs before their own

Often these behaviours look helpful and considerate on the surface.

Underneath, however, there is often anxiety, self-doubt and fear.

The person isn’t always being kind because they genuinely want to be.

They’re being driven by their fear of criticism, rejection, conflict or not being liked.

 

My Own Experience

When I struggled with social anxiety years ago, I spent a lot of time trying to make sure everybody liked me (or at least had no cause to publicly dislike me).

I wanted people to approve of me.

I wanted people to think well of me.

I wanted to avoid criticism.

The result wasn’t confidence.

The result was constant monitoring, second guessing and overthinking.

I became far more focused on how I was being perceived than on simply being myself. One of the biggest turning points came when I realised something important.

No matter what you do, somebody somewhere will disagree with you. There are some unkind people out there and nothing you ever do will be good enough.

And that’s okay.

The goal isn’t universal approval.

The goal is being comfortable enough to be yourself.

 

Why Approval Seeking Creates Anxiety

Approval seeking puts your emotional wellbeing in somebody else’s hands.

If people approve, you feel okay. If they don’t, you feel anxious.

That creates a very fragile form of confidence.

You become dependent on external validation rather than developing trust in yourself.

The more approval you need, the more pressure you feel. The more pressure you feel, the more anxious you become.

And the more anxious you become, the harder you work to gain approval.

It’s a cycle that can keep itself going for years.

 

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

People pleasing often comes with a hidden price.

You may:

• say yes when you want to say no
• stay quiet when you want to speak
• tolerate things that don’t feel right
• avoid opportunities because you fear judgement
• become exhausted trying to keep everyone happy

Ironically, many people spend so much energy trying not to upset others that they end up upsetting themselves. It can feel insecure, frustrating, draining and precarious.

 

What Actually Helps

One of the biggest shifts is learning that discomfort is not dangerous.

• Someone may disagree with you.
• Someone may not like a decision you make.
• Someone may misunderstand you.

None of those things automatically mean you have done something wrong. It’s okay to have a different opinion and doesn’t have to lead to catastrophe.

Healthy confidence develops when you stop measuring your worth by other people’s reactions.

Instead of asking: “What will they think?”

Try asking: “What do I think?”

Instead of asking: “How do I keep everyone happy?”

Try asking: “What is the right thing for me to do?”

You can still have regard for others and be a nice person but these small shifts can be surprisingly powerful.

 

Building Confidence Without Approval

Confidence grows when you start trusting yourself.

That might mean:

• expressing an opinion
• setting a boundary
• saying no
• accepting that not everybody will agree with you
• making decisions without seeking endless reassurance

At first that can feel uncomfortable.

Over time it becomes liberating.

You stop performing.

You stop managing everyone else’s expectations.

You start living your own life.

 

Frequently Asked Questions About Approval Seeking

Why do I need other people’s approval?

This is often because approval became linked to feeling safe, accepted or valued. A lack of approval means anxiety, fear and insecurity. Many people learn this pattern early in life without realising it and it becomes something automatic and habitual through life.

Is approval seeking linked to anxiety?

Very often. Anxiety increases self-consciousness, fear of judgement and the need for reassurance from others. Anxiety makes you doubt your ability to handle disapproval and disagreement.

Can people pleasing damage confidence?

Yes. When confidence depends on keeping everybody happy, you stop trusting your own judgement and decisions. You put your own needs and wishes last, or ignore them entirely.

Why is it so hard to say no?

Many people fear disappointing others or being judged negatively. Learning to tolerate that discomfort is often part of building confidence.

Can hypnotherapy help approval seeking?

Many people find hypnotherapy helps reduce anxiety, fear of judgement, people pleasing and excessive self-criticism while increasing confidence, comfort in your own skin and self-belief.

 

Reassurance

One thing worth remembering is that approval seeking is not a personality flaw.

It is usually a coping strategy.

At some point your mind learned that keeping people happy felt safer than risking criticism, rejection or conflict.

The good news is that what has been learned can also be unlearned.

Many people discover that as anxiety reduces, the need for approval starts reducing naturally too.

 

You Don’t Need Everyone To Approve Of You

One of the most freeing things to realise is that you were never going to please everybody anyway.

Different people have different opinions, preferences and expectations. That has always been true and always will be.

The real question is not whether everyone approves of you.

The real question is whether you approve of the way you are living your own life.

If anxiety, people pleasing, fear of judgement or low confidence have been affecting your life, support is available.

A free initial consultation gives us the opportunity to talk things through and understand what might help.

To your health and happiness,

Dan Regan

Anxiety Therapy and Hypnotherapy in Ely & Newmarket