How to Build Confidence and Self-Esteem (Without Forcing It)

You might feel like you ‘should’ be more confident. Yet you may struggle with how to build your confidence and self-esteem.

If you’re trying to build confidence and self-esteem, it’s usually not about ‘trying harder – it’s about understanding and changing the patterns of thinking and anxiety that are getting in the way.

When I struggled with low confidence and lo self-esteem, I just wanted to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Others seemed to do it with ease but I had to try and hide my anxiety and force myself to do things. IT was exhausting. Somehow my confidence and self-esteem didn’t build no matter what I tried. I always ended up back thinking and feeling the same old way.

You may look at others and assume they feel comfortable, self-assured, and relaxed – while internally, things feel very different for you.

Many people searching for ways to build confidence and self-esteem feel this same internal pressure – wanting to feel different, but not knowing how. You might find yourself:

• overthinking what you say
• doubting yourself afterwards
• worrying about how you came across
• telling yourself that you can’t do it
• talking yourself out of things
• feeling pressure to get things right

From the outside, everything might look fine. But on the inside, it can feel like a constant mental effort.

This is more common than many people realise, especially for people who are thoughtful, capable, and used to holding themselves to high standards.

If this sounds familiar, confidence and self-esteem aren’t something you’re lacking, it’s something being affected by the current limiting patterns in the mind.

 

Why Confidence Can Feel Difficult

Confidence is often misunderstood.

Some people worry that if they become confident then they will become brash and arrogant. They definitely do not want that.

But building confidence and self-esteem is not about being loud, outgoing, or never feeling uncertain.

It’s more about how comfortable and steady you feel within yourself.

Confidence is about being mentally calm, physically relaxed and believing you are capable of achieving things. It may take some time, learning and effort but you know and trust you can do it.

Self-esteem is all about valuing yourself and believing you are good enough and worthy.

For many people, confidence and self-esteem are affected by:

• anxiety
• overthinking
• self-critical thinking
• fear of getting things wrong
• worrying about what others think

These are all learned, habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

You can read more about how anxiety affects confidence and thinking patterns on my anxiety hub page.

 

Confidence and Self-Esteem Patterns in Ely

In my work as an anxiety therapist in Ely, I often see people who appear confident on the outside but feel very different internally.

For example:

Someone might be doing well at work, managing responsibilities, and appearing calm – yet constantly overthinking, replaying conversations, and feeling pressure to perform.

This is often linked to patterns such as high functioning anxiety and caring too much what others people think.

Many other clients tell me how they struggle to even get started doing new things or meeting new people. They tell themselves how they can’t do it, or sometimes even try and tell themselves they don’t want to things, even though they know they really do. They stay stuck inside their comfort zone, watching others get on with things while they are too filled with doubt and anxiety.

Many people I work with notice that as their thinking patterns change, confidence begins to improve naturally – often without needing to ‘force’ it.

 

Why Trying to ‘Force Confidence’ Doesn’t Work

One of the most common approaches is:

“I just need to be more confident”

This often leads to:

• trying to act differently
• putting pressure on yourself
• comparing yourself to others
• feeling like you’re getting it wrong

This can actually increase anxiety — making confidence feel even further away.

You try to force or fake it. It becomes draining and exhausting. You may feel some improvements towards building your confidence and self-esteem. After all, you’ve been told that if you do something enough then you’ll get used to it. But those same doubts and worries about not being good enough persist. It becomes exhausting and there is that niggling doubt that even if something goes well, next time may be very different. You can;t relax and be yourself because you’re trying to pretend to be someone else.

 

How To Build Confidence and Self-Esteem

Here’s what actually helps when you want o build confidence and self-esteem:

1️⃣ Understanding What’s Happening

Confidence often improves when you understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

If your mind is:

• scanning for mistakes
• replaying situations
• thinking the worst
• anticipating judgement

…it makes sense that confidence feels low.

This isn’t a personality flaw, it’s a learned pattern.

When you understand this, it removes a lot of the pressure and self-blame.

Because it is learned, and not hard wired, you can change these patterns.

 

2️⃣ Reducing Overthinking

Overthinking is one of the biggest drivers of low confidence.

After conversations or situations, the mind often tries to:

• analyse what happened
• check for mistakes
• predict how others reacted

The more this happens, the less confident you feel.

You start to alter your perception of events in a negative direction. The more you reply it, the more distorted it becomes in your memory.

You may also overthink scenarios before even going into situations.

What helps is not trying to ‘stop thinking’, but:

• noticing when the mind is looping
• allowing thoughts to pass without engaging
• gently challenging your own thoughts
• gently bringing your attention back to the present

The more time, belief and focus you give it, the bigger a catastrophe it starts to feel in your mind. A small thing seems like a big deal. When a thought arises, do something with it so it can’t just do its own thing.

You may also find it helpful to read more about overthinking and anxiety.

 

3️⃣ Changing Your Relationship With Thoughts

No one ever teaches you that your thoughts can be misleading, distorted or even plain wrong.

Many people assume:

“If I think it, it must be true”

But thoughts are not always accurate reflections of reality.

In fact, something I talk to my anxiety clients in Ely about is how our thoughts are often not facts. We have opinions, biases, generalisations, habitual patterns and distortions. Often we think something and just go with it. However, we can start to choose how we respond. You can also start to direct your own patterns of thinking in more helpful ways.

Confidence improves when you begin to:

• question automatic thoughts
• step back from them
• recognise patterns rather than treating each thought as important

For example:

Instead of:
“I sounded awkward”

You might notice:
“That’s my mind analysing again”

Or even start thinking ‘so what’ because you know logically it really doesn’t matter and probably no one else noticed anyway.

This creates space, starts to allow you to influence your own thinking and it reduces pressure.

 

4️⃣ Letting Go of Perfection

A lot of confidence struggles are linked to trying to:

• say the right thing
• behave the right way
• avoid mistakes
• be liked by everyone

This creates constant stress and pressure.

The reality is – confidence grows when you allow yourself to be human, not perfect

This doesn’t mean lowering standards, it means:

• accepting that not everything needs to be “just right”
• allowing small imperfections
• recognising that mistakes are normal

You notice others make mistakes and get things wrong but you place a much higher level of standard upon yourself.

 

5️⃣ Shifting Focus Away From Yourself

When confidence is low, attention often turns inward:

• “How am I coming across?”
• “Do I sound okay?”
• “What are they thinking?”

You run a constant commentary inside your own head that gets in the way of feeling comfortable.

This all increases self-consciousness.

A helpful shift is to move attention outward:

• put your attention on the things around you
• focus on the conversation
• listen more fully
• engage with what’s happening

This reduces pressure and often naturally improves confidence.

 

6️⃣ Building Confidence Gradually

Confidence doesn’t come from one big change.

It builds through:

• small experiences
• repetition
• familiarity

For example:

• speaking slightly more in a conversation
• staying in a situation a little longer
• doing something despite discomfort

Each experience builds evidence that you can cope, and this gradually strengthens confidence.

However, be careful not to undo your progress by overthinking afterwards and being slef-critical.

 

7️⃣ Understanding the Role of Anxiety

For many people, confidence struggles are closely linked to anxiety.

If the nervous system is on edge, the mind becomes more:

• alert
• self-critical
• focused on potential problems

As anxiety settles, confidence often improves naturally.

The calmer you feel the more clearly you can think and respond. You trust in your ability to handle things.

 

8️⃣ Being Less Harsh With Yourself

Many people with low confidence and low self-esteem are:

• highly self-aware
• reflective
• thoughtful

But this often comes with strong self-criticism.

Confidence grows when you:

• speak to yourself more realistically
• reduce harsh internal judgement
• recognise effort rather than focusing only on outcomes

Start learning how to gently encourage and support yourself. You’d do this with a loved one so now adopt it in how you communicate with yourself.

 

A Different Way to Think About Confidence

Instead of asking:

“How do I become confident?”

It can help to ask:

“What is getting in the way of me feeling comfortable?”

This shifts the focus from forcing change to understanding patterns.

In fact, you can ask yourself what you are thinking and feeling. It is easier to change a thought than to be more confident. Or notice what you are feeling in your body and take action to calm that sensation.

Break it down into what you are actually doing and that will point you in the direction of what you need to do next to feel more clam and confident.

 

If You’d Like Support

Confidence is not something you need to force. It often develops naturally as anxiety settles and thinking patterns shift.

In my work as an anxiety therapist in Ely, many people who struggle with confidence are not lacking ability – they are dealing with patterns of anxiety and overthinking.

These get in the way of you doing what you know you are capable of doing.

If anxiety, confidence or self-esteem has been affecting how you feel day-to-day, it’s important to know that this is something that can change. Support is available.

A free initial consultation is there simply to talk things through and see what might help, without pressure or expectation.

To your health and happiness,

Dan Regan

Anxiety Therapy and Hypnotherapy in Ely and Newmarket

 

Could you use some help with your anxiety? Struggling with anxiety, stress, worry and fear and need some help? Find out how I can help with a Free Initial Consultation. Learn more here: Appointments

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