Podcast: Why Does Anxiety Make You Avoid Things?

When you’re anxious about doing something, avoiding it can seem like the easiest and most helpful option.

You don’t go to the social event. You put off making the phone call. You avoid driving somewhere. Or you find another way of making sure you don’t have to deal with whatever is making you anxious.

And usually something happens immediately afterwards.

You feel a sense of relief. Not doing the thing that was making you feel anxious makes you feel immediately better. At least for a while anyway.

In this episode of the Dan Regan Hypnotherapy Podcast, in association with Spotted in Ely, I look at why that feeling of relief is so important, and how avoidance can gradually become part of the pattern that keeps anxiety going.

I also share some of my own experience of anxiety and avoidance and explain why overcoming avoidance doesn’t necessarily mean forcing yourself straight into doing the thing that frightens you most.

Listen to the episode below:

 

The One Thing to Take Away

If there’s one thing I’d like you to take away from this episode, it’s this:

Avoidance may make you feel better in the short term, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s helping you overcome anxiety.

Imagine you’re anxious about going to a social event.

For several days beforehand, you’re thinking about who will be there, whether you’ll have anyone to talk to, whether you’ll be able to think of anything to say or go blank, whether you’ll feel anxious and what other people might think about you. It plays on your mind and so you overthink and imagine the worst. As the event gets closer you start to feel more tense and on edge. Maybe you get that feeling in your stomach and chest when you think about it or someone mentions it. You find yourself dreading it more and more. It starts to feel like a huge, overwhelming challenge that you would have to endure.

Your anxiety grows and eventually you decide you’re not going.

Suddenly, you feel so much better. You don’t have to deal with the situation anymore, the anxiety drops and you feel a pleasant sense of relief.

The problem is that your mind can start learning that avoiding the situation was what made you feel better. When something similar comes along in the future, avoiding it can become even more tempting.

And so, over time, that pattern of feeling better through avoidance can start influencing more and more of what you do.

 

What I Cover in This Episode

In this short podcast episode, I talk about:

• why avoiding something can immediately reduce anxiety
• how that feeling of relief can reinforce avoidance
• some of the less obvious ways avoidance and safety behaviours can show up
• my own experience of avoiding presentations because of anxiety
• why telling someone to simply ‘face your fears’ can be too simplistic
• how small, manageable actions can start creating a different pattern

One of the things I’ve noticed after helping hundreds of people with anxiety is that avoidance doesn’t usually begin with someone deciding to stop doing lots of things.

Instead, it tends to happen gradually.

You avoid one social event. You stop driving on a particular road. You ask someone else to make a phone call for you. You stay quiet in a meeting because you’re worried about saying something stupid.

Each individual decision can seem fairly insignificant.

It’s only later that you may realise just how much anxiety has started influencing what you do – and what you feel capable of doing.

 

My Own Experience of Anxiety and Avoidance

I know how powerful avoidance can feel because I used to do it myself.

Back when I struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem, presentations were something I particularly dreaded.  Initially I’d try to tell myself that it would be okay and that I could handle it (while at the same time trying to think of any way not to do it or to pass it to someone else). As it got closer the dread, fear and anxiety increased. I would imagine being the centre of attention and making an idiot of myself in front of people that I’d have to work with again afterwards.

Eventually, the anxious thoughts and feelings would become too much. There were occasions when I actually called in sick rather than go into work and give a talk.

And I can still remember the wonderful sense of relief. Suddenly, I didn’t have to give the presentation. All the anxious thoughts and feelings vanished. I might feel a little bad for letting others down, or have some small worry about people thinking badly about me for not being there, but these were nothing in comparison to the immense relief that came from dodging the presentation itself.

The problem was that calling in sick didn’t make me any more confident about giving a presentation the next time. If anything, I’d reinforced the idea in my own mind that presentations were something I couldn’t handle and that should be feared.

Avoidance can work like that. It solves the immediate problem of feeling anxious, but it doesn’t necessarily help you discover that you could cope differently or how to deal with the pattern of anxiety itself.

 

Does Overcoming Avoidance Mean Facing Your Biggest Fear?

One misunderstanding around anxiety is that you simply need to ‘face your fears’ and, by doing so, your anxiety will pass.

Now, sometimes pushing through your comfort zone will lead to increased confidence and learning that you can handle it. But I still think that this approach is too simplistic.

I’m not suggesting that you should identify the thing that absolutely terrifies you and force yourself to do it tomorrow. That may simply overwhelm you and make you even less likely to do it.

Instead, it can be much more useful to start noticing where anxiety is influencing your decisions.

One question I mention in the podcast is: “Am I not doing this because I genuinely don’t want to do it – or am I not doing it because anxiety is telling me I can’t handle it?”

If anxiety is making the decision, you can then think about one small, manageable thing you could start doing differently.

That might mean staying somewhere for five minutes longer.

Making the phone call you’ve been putting off.

Going into the shop rather than asking somebody else to do it.

Or contributing one thing in a meeting rather than staying completely silent.

The aim isn’t to overwhelm yourself.

It’s to begin giving your mind some different evidence: that you can do things even when you feel some anxiety or discomfort, and that you don’t always have to follow what anxiety is telling you to do.

 

Want to Understand Anxiety and Avoidance in More Detail?

This podcast episode gives you a short introduction to the relationship between anxiety and avoidance.

I’ve also written a much more detailed guide looking at the different ways avoidance can show up, how it can gradually make your world smaller and some of the ways you can start changing the pattern.

Read more: Anxiety and Avoidance: How Anxiety Quietly Makes Your World Smaller

If anxiety is affecting you more generally, I’ve also brought together articles, practical information, client experiences and other resources on my Anxiety Hub.

Explore more: Anxiety help and resources

 

About the Dan Regan Hypnotherapy Podcast

The Dan Regan Hypnotherapy Podcast, in association with Spotted in Ely, is where I share practical information about anxiety, overthinking and some of the different ways anxiety can affect how you think, feel and behave.

As an anxiety specialist and hypnotherapist based in Ely and Newmarket, I’ve been helping people overcome anxiety and related issues for over 15 years.

My aim with these short episodes is to help you understand what’s happening when you’re anxious and give you something useful that you can start applying in your own life.

Listen to more: Dan Regan Hypnotherapy Podcast

 

If Anxiety and Avoidance Are Affecting Your Life

If anxiety has started affecting where you go, what you do or the things you feel able to enjoy, you don’t have to keep organising your life around it.

I help people overcome anxiety and related issues at my hypnotherapy practices in Ely and Newmarket, as well as working with people online.

I offer a free initial consultation, which is simply an opportunity for us to talk about what’s happening, what you’d like to change and how I may be able to help.

Find out more: Arrange a free initial consultation

To your health and happiness,

Dan Regan

Anxiety Therapy and Hypnotherapy in Ely and Newmarket