Recovering From Post Separation Abuse

In this article, I’m covering healing and recovering from post separation abuse.

Post separation abuse refers to the continued control, intimidation and manipulation by one partner towards the other after the relationship has come to an end. The two people may not be in a relationship anymore, but the exertion of power and control continues as the perpetrator seeks to cause chaos in the other person’s life. It can affect anyone and usually takes place in private, hidden behind the false narratives that are shared by the abuser in public.

So many victims suffer in silence. They are worn down by the constant emotional and psychological abuse and controlling behaviours. One of the common traits of post separation  abuse is to try and smear the other person, to try and dominate the views of others and isolate the target more and more. Some will turn their backs on the victim, many others will turn their heads and pretend there is nothing to see.

Post separation abuse is an ongoing pattern of controlling/coercive behaviour that continues after the end of a relationship. It’s all about an ex-partner seeking to exert power and control. There are some reports that suggest the prevalence of this form of, often hidden, abuse is increasing. For the target, it can turn post separation life into an ongoing nightmare of uncertainty, fear, despair and helplessness. In many instances, the behaviour intensifies as the ex-partner seeks to retain control and power, especially if they fear that you may escape their influence. Rather than easing over time, the opposite can happen.

Having endured post separation abuse myself, I believe it is important to raise awareness of this form of abuse and, in doing so, to aim to give others the hope and courage they need so that they too can heal, recover and move forward in their life.

 

Post Separation Abuse

In my own case, the post separation abuse started immediately upon separation. It was more controlling and vicious than even I could have expected. It went on for week after week, month after month. There was psychological, emotional and legal abuse all designed to exert control and power and cause distress. Alongside it, there were multiple social media posts smearing me and making up things about me, all with the aim of causing me harm and social isolation. Ultimately, I was forced to involve the police for my own safety.

Looking back, I think there are two main aspects that sadden me and that took me by surprise. One was the intensity of the controlling behaviour which shocked me through its pervasiveness and persistency. The children, family and friends, it seems, were all acceptable collateral damage. The second aspect that surprised me was the seeming willingness of some others, when considered from my perspective, such as the person’s close family, to encourage, enable and support the abuse directed towards me and that was also aimed indirectly towards my children. In my opinion, they are as much my abusers as my former partner.

It’s been a hard road, and a long road. At times it seemed like it would never end (and to some extent I doubt the lies and smears will ever fully cease). There were times when I was on the brink of collapse through the constant barrage of controlling and aggressive behaviour. Yet, no matter how hard it seemed at times, these moments passed. I want to give you hope. There is recovery from post separation abuse.

In the words of Elton John, despite everything thrown at me, I’m still standing, better than I ever did.

I’ve covered some related aspects to this topic in these articles:

How To Cope With A Smear Campaign

Domestic Abuse Awareness Month

Post Separation Abuse Awareness Week

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse Stages

 

Recovering After Post Separation Abuse

Earlier today I bumped into a friend I haven’t seen for quite a while. As is quite common, his jaw dropped when I told him all about the bullying, harassment, intimidation and threats I had endured. I think people sometimes struggle to understand the demonic depths to which someone can sink in their desire for power and control.

Sometimes relationships don’t end amicably and everyone knows this. But post separation abuse is a whole new level of psychological and emotional behaviour targeted at another to cause them harm and isolate them from others. You may not be in physical proximity anymore, but the manipulation, control, threats, gas-lighting and emotional pressure continues and even intensifies. The abuse continues through texts, children, finances, social media smears and legal proceedings. The trauma doesn’t end just because the relationship/marriage has ended.

In the storm of the abuse I know that sometimes it seems that things could never get better. The goal of your abuser and their gang is to try and break you. They will deliberately push upon the vulnerabilities they know you have, such as your children. The stronger you stand and the more they fail to control you, the more angry and abusive they get.

But recovery from post separation abuse is possible. You can heal, recover and rebuild yourself.  To tweak the introduction to Six Million Dollar man a bit, we can rebuild you, we have the technology. We can make you better than you were, better, stronger, faster. It kind of works but you get the point. You can come out of all this better, stronger, more empowered, more confident.

 

5 Simple Action Points To Begin Healing and Recovery

Abuse after separation is purposefully intended to try and keep you trapped in a cycle of fear, self-doubt and hypervigilence.

They want you to become disorientated as you question your memory and thinking in the face of their gas-lighting. You are meant to feel anxious and on edge about every message, call or contact (or even just the possibility that they will contact you directly or indirectly). Their smears and actions are designed to make you look like the problem so that other people cut you off and isolate you. Your pain is their energy supply.

Dealing with anxiety, repetitive worrying, intrusive thoughts, sleep issues and how to move forward are all things you undoubtedly will have to battle. The abusive relationship tries to erode who you are. Recovery means rebuilding your sense of identity and self.

As well as taking my own experience of surviving and recovering from post separation abuse, I also help many hypnotherapy clients to move forward and rediscover how to feel better and better in themselves. You rebuild inner worth, feeling safe, mental calmness, confidence and inner strength.

Sadly, there are no magic fixes for recovering from post separation abuse. However, consistently carrying out small practices can help you with your recovery. Over time, they become habitual pillars of your resilience and self care.

 

1. Establish Clear Boundaries

In most cases, going no-contact is the best approach for your own well-being. Sometimes that just isn’t possible because some contact has to continue (e.g. if there are children or joint assets etc). What you can do is be very clear about your own boundaries. Consider writing down what you will and won’t allow (e.g. no messages after 8pm, communicating only through a secure app etc). In the midst of your emotional turmoil, this can sometimes feel tough, after all, you might still feel emotionally tied to your abuser. However, you need to enforce your boundaries consistently for your own mental well-being.

Boundaries mean you know what communication could come, how it will come and what times it could come. Outside your boundaries, your body and mind get some respite and relief. You get time off from the controlling behaviour and from being in constant high alert mode. You create time and space to feel more safe again.

 

2. Practice Self-Care Daily

When you feel anxious, hypervigilent, fearful and low, it’s easy to stop taking care of yourself. Unhealthy eating, alcohol, caffeine, sugar and being sedentary can reinforce the pattern of feeling rubbish in yourself. If needed, start taking small steps to change unhealthy habits and practice looking after yourself.

In addition, you can draw upon strategies and techniques for managing your own thoughts and feelings. It’s easy to start dwelling, ruminating and thinking the worst. You can draw upon the hypnosis downloads and strategies contained in articles on this website. For example, the 3-3-3 Rule for Anxiety can help interrupt negative patterns and bring you back to the present moment.

 

3. Stick To Facts

Post separation abuse often involves gas-lighting, distortions and cherry picking things that have happened to cast you in a bad light. Over time, the relentless onslaught can make you question your own memory and feel on edge. During my own abuse, I was bombarded with all sorts of fabrications and lies. I successfully countered all of these because in the face of angry ranting, I had actual hard facts.

Write down what actually did happen. Keep it short, factual and unemotional. This becomes a grounding tool when they try to distort your reality and twist the narrative. Whether you need to call upon it or not, writing it down means you don’t have to keep spinning it all inside your own head. You have a record and you clearly distinguish the actuals from their gas-lighting. They will try to say your experiences were not real. You need to see the facts in writing to help affirm that your experience was indeed real.

 

4.  Reconnect with Safe Support

Another goal of post separation abuse is to keep you isolated and alone. As I talk about in another article, by the time you know about it, their smears will have been running in the background for days, weeks, months or even years. They have been gas-lighting other people long before you even knew what was going on. They’ll contact people out of the blue to criticise you, they’ll post garbage on Facebook to portray you as the villain and they’ll do all they can to isolate you from others. Their aim is to try and set the narrative before you even realise that others have been turned against you. Please don’t lower yourself to their level and fire off emotional, insulting posts online. It’s just not worth it. If people are dumb enough to believe what they are told without hearing your side then these aren’t the people you want in your life moving forward.

Instead, choose someone you can trust. Start to reconnect with others and share what you are going through and how you feel. Isolation is a tool of abuse. Connecting with others reminds you that you are not alone. It helps you to build your sense of worth, perspective and connection.

 

5. Focus on the Future

Post separation abuse can involve keeping you tied to that person and stuck looking back over what has happened. You don’t feel good enough to do things and move forward in your life. Start to remind yourself of who you were before they eroded your self worth. Start to allow yourself to remember the real you. Start to imagine who you want to be in six months or even a year. Keep your focus on how you will be more calm, confident and in control. Then begin to set some goals and take small steps that nudge you forward. Deliberately create hope and optimism for yourself and then start accomplishing small things. Bit by bit you move forwards.

 

Recovery From Post Separation Abuse

Remember to be kind and supportive to yourself as you heal and recover. There will be good days and harder days. Already know what you will do to handle, deal and cope with those harder days so you have a plan ready. As you take small steps and make progress be sure to celebrate small wins and to appreciate the positives.

Always keep in mind that the stronger you become and the more you find freedom, the more their rage and controlling behaviour may rise. If threats intensify or you fear for your physical or emotional safety then please seek immediate professional/legal help. In my case, I ended up having to involve the police after the abuse was taken up a level.

Most of all, please do be kind, encouraging and supportive to yourself. This is something that was done to you, it’s not your fault. You can and will heal and recover as you reclaim who you are.

Hypnotherapy can help with many aspects of recovery, including anxiety, fear, overthinking, low confidence and low self-esteem. It can help you to sever ties, build strength and move forward with confidence, strength and freedom. If you could use some help then please do get in touch and ask to book your free consultation.

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Anxiety Therapist in Ely & Newmarket

 

Anxiety in Ely and Newmarket Help: Anxiety

Need help to overcome your anxiety? Struggling with anxiety, stress, worry and fear and need some help? Find out how I can help with a Complimentary Hypnotherapy Strategy Session. Learn more here: Appointments

Find out what hundreds of other people have said after their anxiety therapy sessions with Dan: Hypnotherapy Testimonials

And check out these popular and powerful hypnosis downloads that can start helping you right away with anxiety, confidence and more: Hypnosis Downloads