Post Separation Abuse Awareness Week

Post separation abuse awareness week takes place in September.

Whilst some relationships end amicably, many do not. It’s not uncommon for there to be some resentment, upset and bitterness when two people separate. It can be quite natural that no one has a good word to say about the other person for a while. But over time, these feelings subside and everyone gets on with their life. The past relationship becomes just an episode in your history.

However, post separation abuse goes way beyond this. Unless you or a loved one have experienced it, you may not even appreciate the levels of control, power, anger and upset that it is designed to generate against the targeted person.

This form of abuse refers to the continued control, intimidation and manipulation by one partner towards the other after the relationship has come to an end. The two people may not share the same room anymore, but the exertion of power and control continues as the perpetrator seeks to cause chaos in the other person’s life.

In many instances, the abusive power and control is something that was also a common theme in the relationship itself. Even if it wasn’t, the end of a relationship can generate all sorts of changed behaviour, emotions and mindset from the abuser as they move into the new dynamic and circumstances. It’s particularly common where there are ongoing shared responsibilities, such as children, property or finance, that mean that the abuser and survivor remain linked in some way.

I’ve helped many clients who are seeking help to find the assertiveness, resilience and confidence to deal with the abuse and to move forward within their lives. By calming the mind and emotions, you can find the inner strength you need to make decisions, remain resolute and find inner peace. It’s something that I have also experienced personally, where the only goal appears to have been to exert control and create a trail of fear, upset and pain.

PSA Awareness

Post separation abuse awareness week is about highlighting the ongoing pattern of controlling/coercive behaviour that continues after the end of a relationship. It’s all about an ex-partner seeking to exert power and control.

There are some reports that suggest the prevalence of this form of, often hidden, abuse is increasing. For the target, it can turn post separation life into an ongoing nightmare of uncertainty, fear, despair and helplessness. In many instances, the behaviour intensifies as the ex-partner seeks to retain control and power, especially if they fear that you may escape their influence. Rather than easing over time, the opposite can happen.

The abuse can take several forms such as psychological, emotional, financial, legal or physical abuse (and if you are at risk/potential risk of violence or physical harm then please seek help and support immediately from the police and other services). Despite some stereotypes, it’s important to remember that abuse of any type is gender neutral.

The behaviour directed at you may involve factors such as using the legal system as a weapon, harassment and stalking, manipulating children, financial abuse, smear campaigns or threats and intimidation.

Post separation abuse can be so devastating because, just at the time when the survivor hopes for peace at the end of the relationship, the abuse continues. You feel trapped, hemmed in and hunted. You never know what might be coming next or when it might happen. You continue to walk on the same eggshells that you did during the relationship.

The unpredictability and relentlessness of the abuse can lead to trauma, hardship, damaged relationships with others, anxiety and depression, insomnia and illness and difficulty rebuilding life and establishing independence. However the abuse manifests, it is all rooted in the same need for power and control.

Post separation abuse thrives on fear and secrecy. It thrives on those who enable, support and encourage the abuser to continue their behaviour (this is often their family and close friends). It thrives when the people who see it pretend they haven’t and look the other way.

Having experienced it myself, I know all about post separation bullying, harassment, intimidation and threats, even up to the point of having to get the police involved for my own safety. When it is all going on, you feel sick to the bottom of your stomach. You’re tense, restless and anxious about what may come next. You overthink things and struggle to sleep. Then things calm down and you think that a corner has been turned, only for the same old abuse and controlling behaviour to resurface again. And the whole while, the smear campaign against you and the lies rumble on and on in the background as your ex partner tries to persuade other people that you are the problem. Staying calm and sticking to the truth are assets to draw upon. It may make your ex partner try even harder to exert control, yet you can, and must, remain robust and unbreakable.

If you are caught in the web of post separation abuse then there is hope for feeling better. Abuse is designed to exert control over you, to make you anxious and worried and to create a sense of helplessness. Hypnotherapy can help you to tackle your emotions and thinking patterns in powerful and beneficial ways. You can regain the confidence and self esteem that you used to have, and even enhance your self belief and levels of inner worth.

Whether or not you have to have some dealings with the other person, you can feel better in yourself and move forward positively in your own life. You can take back control of who you are and what you do. With a calm mind and feelings, strengthened inner confidence and renewed levels of resilience, strength and capability, you can and will handle, deal and cope with whatever they throw are you and start living life on your own terms.

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Hypnotherapist in Ely & Newmarket

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