Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

In this article I’m covering healing after narcissistic abuse, although in many ways it applies to recovery after any form of abusive relationship regardless of how it is categorised and labelled.

I’ve written previously about the stages of narcissistic abuse. The early love bombing develops into devaluation and control. Then comes the discard as the narcissist either senses a loss of control or power, or craves a new supply. You won’t know it until it happens but they have been smearing you and paving the way for this moment for a long time. They portray themselves as the victim of your abuse and use the sympathy of others to recruit their supporters against you.

Sadly, I have personal experience of being in a very controlling, and some would say, abusive relationship in which these steps manifested themselves in a most destructive fashion both during the relationship and afterwards.. It started with the love bombing, In this stage, you are the best thing ever, nothing is too much and everything about you is perfect. You are sold a dream of life long happiness and fulfilment. They draw you in and lock you into the relationship psychologically, practically and emotionally.

That’s when the slow winding winch of control begins to occur. It starts slowly with a few comments and requests here and there but soon gains more momentum. Then the rules start, with anger and the silent treatment used to enforce them. You never know quite where you are with their ever shifting moods and tantrums. One thing is for sure, as far as they are concerned, you are the problem and whatever it is that fires their rage, you are the cause. To maintain the peace and out of fear, you start complying with their demands because you want a balanced, content and pleasant life. However, this only encourages them to be more confrontational and more demanding.

You want more of the good times and small morsels of love that they throw at you to keep you under their control. Yet you find yourself walking on egg shells and being bombarded by criticisms, snide comments, undermining and belittling. Unknown to you, they are already priming themselves to be seen as the victim later on by telling everyone that you are the problem and that you are the controlling one (and trust me, some people will blindly buy into their lies).

One day, and you will never know it until it happens, they press the destruct button and move into the discard phase. They’ve already done the groundwork by persistently telling others how awful you are. They are the victim and, even in the upset of reeling from their desire for power, control and victory, you are smeared and portrayed as the problem. You are left confused, dazed, fearful and disorientated. You realise that you have been purposefully and gradually isolated from friends and family. You only realise the true nature of this type of covert abuser when it is already too late.

Their only goal is to try and destroy you personally and, if possible, in the eyes of others and in your workplace. They will trample on others and destroy friendships and relationships in their thirst for ongoing control over you and the need to secure their twisted, bitter victory. They feed off your pain. Their need for power and their hate (that you’ve seen so often directed towards others) is their driving purpose. And, of course, in no time at all they have found their new victim and begin their love bombing anew.

However much pain you are in right now, it is possible to heal from narcissistic abuse, to regain your sense of self and to move forward purposefully with your life.

 

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: A Journey Back to Yourself

A narcissistic relationship doesn’t just have to be of a romantic type. Narcissistic abuse can take place in friendships, relationships or in the work place. But regardless of the context, when you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you will know about it. The damage of the abuse doesn’t always show on the outside. Inside, it can feel like your self-esteem, your voice and your sense of self have all been dismantled and destroyed. You find yourself disorientated and lost in a world where, through their control and manipulation, you no longer feel equipped to cope.

Narcissistic abuse comes with manipulation, gas-lighting, love bombing and emotional invalidation. When it comes to an end, you are left confused, anxious and unsure of who you really are. You are left a shell of who you once were.

But healing is possible and achievable. That doesn’t mean just ‘getting over it’ and moving on. Healing after narcissistic abuse is about rebuilding, reconnecting and rediscovering your voice and who you really are. If you’ve reached this point you are more resilient and capable that you could even imagine. And now you can recover and rise.

Here’s how the journey of healing after narcissistic abuse begins:

 

1. Recognise What Happened

The first step to healing after narcissistic abuse is to recognise that what you experienced was abuse. Having had your self esteem and worth systematically devalued, you may be blaming yourself or even wondering if you are the narcissist. Narcissistic abuse can be hard to recognise at the time because it occurs slowly, insidiously and persistently. It involves psychological and emotional tactics that slowly grind you down such as gas-lighting, silent treatment, blame shifting and control.

The more informed you become about narcissism, the more you will recognise what you endured. Give yourself permission to name the abuse.

 

2. Go No Contact (or Low Contact)

The narcissist feeds off power and control. They want to see you suffer and they enjoy playing with your psychological and emotional strings. Whether you realise it or not, they are watching what you do. And so one of the most important steps to healing and reclaiming your sense of self is cutting off ties, emotionally, physically, psychologically and digitally. Narcissists are like vampires and they feed off your energy, confusion, attention and emotion. They will pull you back, push you away and continue your turmoil. They want to continue to control what you think, feel and do. When you cut off contact, you create the space you need for clarity, comprehension and regaining your inner strength.

Sometimes it isn’t possible to have no contact, in which case you aim for little or low contact. Keep things factual and logistical. If you need to protect yourself, keep records of communications. Most importantly be mindful of keeping detached emotionally to avoid being drawn back into their web of control and power.

 

3. Rebuild Your Reality

Narcissistic abuse can warp your sense of truth and reality. You can be left confused and questioning everything. The narcissist lives in a fantasy world of distortion, false allegations and control. You will have grown used to being shut down and stopped from having your own views and opinions. You will be exhausted from having to go along with their decision making and dismissal of your views. Their gas-lighting, where you are constantly told your feelings, opinions, perceptions or memories are wrong, can lead you to feel insecure, anxious and constantly doubting yourself.

Recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse means you need to reconnect with your own reality. You need to start to have your own thoughts, opinions and views and to know this is how it should be. You need to reconnect with what you know to be truth, rather than the distorted reality of the narcissist. You can use journaling to validate experiences and express yourself. You can reconnect with those you have been isolated from to understand the truth. Speaking to a therapist who gets what narcissistic abuse is will help. And you can learn how to direct and influence your own thoughts and feelings and develop ways to stay present and grounded when needed.

 

4. Grieve What Was Lost

It is okay to grieve what was lost if you need to. They were not the person that you thought they were. How you may have perceived things was not what they were creating for you. It is okay to miss aspects of how you thought things were. It is okay to feel unsettled by the changes from the discard and the uncertainty of the future that is so different from the one you were expecting to have. As you heal, you will experience emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, confusion and even guilt. They are part of the healing process and these too will pass.

Give yourself all the time and space you need. And then recognise that you now have the freedom and power to define how you move forwards. The pain ceases to define you as you recognise that no matter how much you may think you’ve lost, in fact, you’ve gained much more than that without the narcissist in your life.

 

5. Learn To Trust Yourself Again

Narcissists shut you down, erode your self-esteem and seek to undermine your confidence in your own judgement, views, beliefs and opinions. It is either their way or not at all. If they have something to say, they expect you to listen and respond,. But when you have something to say then they stop you, interrupt you, claim to be too busy or they start looking at their phone to signal their indifference. Narcissists undermine your confidence in yourself. That’s why rebuilding self trust is so important and one of the most empowering acts of recovery.

Start small with your decisions and actions. There is no longer any need to second guess yourself for your own protection. Celebrate when you listen to your own judgement and then gradually build. Remember you are more resilient and stronger than you ever knew. Take the fact you survived, along with your new found wisdom and go shine.

 

6. Connect With Safe People

Abuse thrives in isolation. The narcissist will have slowly isolated you from your friends and support network. If you ever wanted to see them they made it so unpleasant with anger, guilt tripping and the silent treatment that you just gave up even trying. They criticised and complained about your friends and family to make you question whether you really knew them at all. And all the while they were smearing you and lying about you behind your back to others.

Healing grows through connection. Reconnect and find the people, whether friends, support groups or others, who make you feel seen and safe. Talk to others about what you are experiencing and also about the general facets of ordinary life that you’ve been forced to suppress for so long. Connecting with other sufferers can help. Yet also force yourself to think, talk and connect about things that are not the abuse as you start to build the life you choose to now have (one on your terms).

 

7. Be Your True Self

Your abuser wanted you to believe you were a certain way and incapable of living without them. But you are not who the narcissist said you were.

As you heal, you may reconnect with old passions, activities, people and interests. Or perhaps you find new things to fill your life with. Remind yourself that it is okay to do things for yourself and be sure to be kind and encouraging to yourself in your self talk. You can and will rebuild your true authentic self, the real you who no longer lives in tension and fear. The real you who you’ve been forced to suppress and hide over the years of walking on egg shells. You are allowed to have goals, aspirations, dreams and you deserve happiness and freedom. You are allowed to have wants and needs. You are allowed to be happy and to live freely.

 

Nobody can promise you that healing after narcissistic abuse will be straight forward and easy. Some days you will feel strong, capable and empowered. On other days you may feel sad, stressed, fearful and broken again. Remind yourself that this is okay, you are human after all.  Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, compassion, persistence and courage. And I know you have more than enough of these inner resources.

As I know from experience, no matter how hard they try to make it for you, you can and will have progressively more and more moments of clarity, confidence and positivity. You will move past this to a place that is even better than before. Until they get their new victim (and maybe even after), the narcissist will always be lurking as they watch and try to discover what you are thinking, feeling and doing. They are always seeking to exercise their lust for power and control. Yet as you follow the points above you can, and will, heal, recover, build and flourish.

You are already on the path to recovery. You can continue to take powerful steps forward towards freedom and happiness. You are not what happened to you or what they did to you. You are now the one who moves beyond it, better equipped and better informed. Now you get to choose who you become after the abuse.

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Anxiety Hypnotherapist in Ely & Newmarket

Related article: The 5 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding the Cycle

 

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