Why Comparing Yourself to Others Damages Confidence

Do you have a habit of negatively comparing yourself to others?

Maybe you’re feeling a bit anxious, low or down on yourself and as you scroll through your social media feeds it just seems that everyone else is having a better time of things than you are. They are all happy, smiley and seemingly having a great time doing great things with great people. In your head you just start thinking how their lives are so much better than yours and how that means you aren’t good enough or are failing in some way.

Maybe you’ve looked at someone else’s life and thought:

‘They seem happier than me.’

‘They’ve got it all figured out.’

‘They’re doing so much better than I am.’

If so, you’re certainly not alone.

Comparing ourselves to other people is something most of us do from time to time. However, when comparison becomes a habit, it can have a significant impact on confidence, self-esteem and anxiety.

You may find yourself comparing:

• Your appearance
• Your achievements
• Your relationships
• Your career
• Your confidence
• Your life in general

The more comparison takes hold, the easier it becomes to feel like you are somehow falling short.

In my work as an anxiety therapist in Ely, comparison is something that frequently sits underneath low confidence, self-doubt, impostor syndrome and fear of judgement.

I know this pattern well myself. There were certainly times when I looked at what other people appeared to be doing and convinced myself they were more confident, more successful or somehow coping better than I was. Looking back, I was comparing the inside of my life with the outside of theirs.

That comparison was never fair.

 

Quick Summary

• Comparing yourself to others can damage confidence and self-esteem.
• Social media often makes comparison worse.
• Anxiety and self-doubt increase the tendency to compare.
• Most people share the highlights of their lives rather than the full picture.
• Confidence improves when you stop measuring your worth against other people.

 

Related Resources

Whatever your relationship with social media, and however much you engage with it, there is no doubt that it can exacerbate any tendencies to negatively compare yourself and your life with that of others. You look at what they are saying and doing and compare it to how things are for you right now and to how you feel in yourself and about yourself. It’s very easy to start feeling worse as a result and yet to, paradoxically, scroll and spend even more time looking at the posts and photos from others that appear in your feed.

If this sounds like you then you may also find these related resources helpful:

• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hub
• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hypnotherapy in Ely
• Low Confidence and Anxiety: Why They’re Often Linked
• Why Do I Care So Much What People Think?

 

Why Comparison Feels So Convincing

One of the reasons comparison feels so powerful is because it can feel logical. Your mind looks at somebody else’s life and draws conclusions.

The problem is that the comparison is usually incomplete.

You know your own worries, insecurities, doubts and fears.

You don’t know theirs.

You know the difficult conversations you’ve had, the mistakes you’ve made and the things you wish were different. You don’t see most of that in other people.

Instead, you compare your private reality with their public appearance.

It’s an unfair comparison from the start.

This is particularly true on social media where people naturally share achievements, successes and positive moments far more often than struggles, disappointments and worries.

 

Social Media Breaks 

As well as your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions leading you to feel anxious and low as you scroll through your social media feeds whilst comparing how the lives of others seem to be to your own, there is evidence that taking a break from social media is good for your mental health.

It’s curious how hard some people find it to spend less time, or even to not check, their social media posts for a while. It’s like an itch that needs scratching and you want to just take a quick look at what is there. Even though it can add to your anxiety and low self esteem, it somehow seems like deprivation or a chore not to look at what others are posting.

There is some evidence that links social media use and an increased likelihood of depression and reduced well-being. This can become a negatively self re-enforcing cycle as whatever content you look at is used by the social media companies to drive more similar content towards you. You are fed more of the same sort of content that keeps you coming back for more, or maybe that keeps you from not going away that much.

If they think you are looking at and engaging in it, they want to send more and more of the same sort of stuff your way. What you see gets filtered, drives what comes your way in the future and can lead to a loop that strengthens any negative adverse thoughts and feelings. Any sense of low self-worth, lowness or excessive worry can be exacerbated by the information that is filtered your way.

And if you are looking at content that leads you to negatively compare yourself and your life with that of others, then you’re going to get fed more of it. And so that inner criticism, sense of not feeling good enough, sense of low self worth and perhaps a smidge of jealousy too, all get the opportunity to become more entrenched as you scroll on.

And if you have a tendency for doomscrolling, then that comes into play here too. There’s more about doomscrolling, social media and smartphone use and anxiety and depression over in this article: Doomscrolling, Anxiety & Your Mental Health

Now, the thought of stopping all social media use and doing a ‘social media’ detox, may seem like an insurmountable challenge because we are all so used to scrolling and we are all kind of addicted to our screens. Of course, if you don’t think you have a social media habit or that you are emotionally attached to your screen, then go right ahead and switch off, or even delete, those apps (or more likely for us humans, come up with reasons, excuses and justifications why that wouldn’t work for us and why you just have to check in on your social media feeds).

Of course, there are positive uses for social media and most of us would struggle to live without Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok and whatever else is launched before I finish writing this article. Yet so much mindless time can be wasted for no productive result. And if you are comparing yourself to others, you may almost develop a perverse tendency to seek out those photos and posts that just seem to re-enforce not feeling good enough.

Research has even looked at the impact upon your well-being and depression and anxiety from taking a social media break (compared to using social media as usual). The results showed that asking people to stop using social media for a week led to significant improvements in well-being, depression, and anxiety.  This suggests that short breaks in social media can positively impact upon your mental health.

Coming off all social media may seem like a challenge too far given how much we rely on it and have made it a part of our lives. However, if negative comparing yourself to others, anxiety and depression are an issue for you, then it certainly is worth considering how often, how much and what content you are routinely accessing. If you feel worse after going on social media then perhaps a break, or less use, may be worthwhile. And if you want to boost your well-being and lessen anxiety and depression, then taking regular time out (or at least limiting how much time you spend daily on social media), could well be worth any sense of effort or sacrifice that you are worried about.

 

Comparison and Anxiety

Comparison is often closely linked to anxiety.

When anxiety is present, the mind naturally becomes more focused on threats, problems and signs that something isn’t right. For some people, this includes comparing themselves to other people.

The anxious mind starts asking:

‘Why are they coping better than me?

‘What if everyone else is more confident?’

‘What if I’m falling behind?’

These thoughts can increase self-doubt, lower confidence and reinforce the belief that there is something wrong with you. In reality, comparison rarely gives an accurate picture of how another person’s life actually is.

If comparison, self-doubt or low confidence have been affecting how you feel about yourself, you can learn more about Confidence & Self-Esteem Hypnotherapy in Ely here.

You may also find Low Confidence and Anxiety: Why They’re Often Linked helpful.

 

Worrying What Other People Think

Sometimes when you are comparing yourself to others online, there can be elements of worrying what others think about you or that they will judge you negatively in some way. You may worry that what you do post (unless you are too anxious to post anything right now) may lead others to be critical or to think negatively of you in some way.

After all, if you feel not good enough and you think other people are having a happier and better time of it, then your anxious thinking patterns can imagine all sorts of things that they must be thinking about what you do or say in your posts. You may think that what you have to say will be jumped upon or that it is inadequate. You may worry about upsetting people or things being misconstrued. And you may feel that it will all just confirm your self-critical and self-negative thoughts and feelings.

When you feel low, anxious or down on yourself, everything is coloured by that dark cloud that hangs over you. And if everyone else is happy, upbeat and seemingly having a great time of things in what they post about, why would you want to do anything that could add to your thinking about how their lives are so much better than yours and how that means you aren’t good enough or are failing in some way.

If worrying what others think about you contributes to your anxiety and low self-esteem then have a read of these articles to start challenging those distorted perceptions and unwanted thinking patterns:

• Anxiety and Worrying What People Think
• The Spotlight Effect: Why We Think People Notice Us More Than They Do
• Can Other People Tell How You Feel? Anxiety About Looking Anxious
• Do Others Judge You As Harshly As You Think When You Mess Up? Anxiety & Fear of Failure

 

Real Client Experiences

Many confidence clients describe spending years comparing themselves to other people and feeling as though everyone else was doing better than they were. Sometimes they compare themselves to colleagues, friends or family members. Other times they compare themselves to people they follow online.

As confidence improves, this habit of comparison often starts to fade naturally.

You can read some examples here:

• Confidence and Self-Doubt Case Study
• Confidence and Creative Block Case Study
• Self-Confidence Improvement Case Study
• Overcoming Limiting Confidence Barriers Case Study
• Overcoming Bullying, Low Confidence and Self-Doubt Case Study

 

Comparing Yourself To Others

This short video explains why comparing yourself to other people can be so damaging to confidence and self-esteem, and why the comparison is often unfair from the start.

 

As I describe in the video, if you have been comparing yourself to others, then each and every person you have been comparing yourself to will also struggle with anxiety, worry, stress and other challenges. We know this because they are human too! And even where there are challenges, that doesn’t mean there can’t be good times and positives too. It’s just that people generally do only share the good stuff and leave out the less so good things, the challenges and the worry. Yet it will still be there for them at some times and in some areas. What you get to see on social media is just a small fragment of what is going on with them at that time, the small part of their lives that they choose to let you see.

So please do be sure to avoid the tendency to assume that what someone else posts represents their entire life and that a few good photos means that their life is perfect in every way. It’s easy, especially when feeling anxious or low to forget (or to remind yourself) that you are only seeing what they are choosing to share and to let you see. So be sure to remind yourself that what you see on social media is the outside of someone’s life and leaves out their more problematic thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Avoid that tendency to compare the outside of their life with the inside of yours (where you can be acutely aware of what isn’t how you would like it to be within your own thoughts and feelings).

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take action to address your anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, yet you can keep this in mind to avoid just feeling worse about what you see on social media and to mitigate and circumvent the easy tendency for negative comparisons that aren’t based upon a full sense of how things really are.

 

Frequently Asked Questions About Comparing Yourself to Others

Why do I constantly compare myself to other people?

Comparison is a normal human behaviour, but anxiety, low confidence and self-doubt can make it happen much more frequently.

Does social media make low confidence worse?

For many people it can. Social media often shows a highly edited version of people’s lives, making comparison easier and less accurate.

Is comparing myself to others a sign of anxiety?

It can be. Many people with anxiety find themselves constantly measuring their performance, appearance or achievements against other people.

How do I stop comparing myself to other people?

Rather than trying to stop comparison completely, it is often more helpful to recognise when it is happening, question the assumptions being made and focus more on your own progress rather than somebody else’s.

 

Support For Confidence & Self-Esteem

If comparing yourself to other people has been affecting your confidence, self-esteem or anxiety, it’s important to remember that comparison is not an accurate measure of your worth.

Many people are surprised how much better they feel when they stop measuring themselves against other people and start focusing on their own progress instead.

You can learn more here:

• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hypnotherapy in Ely
• Confidence & Self-Esteem Hub
• Anxiety Support Hub

Or if you’d like to talk things through first: Book a Free Initial Consultation

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Confidence and Self-Esteem Hypnotherapy in Ely & Newmarket

 

Struggling with anxiety, stress, worry and fear and need some help? Find out how I can help with a Complimentary Hypnotherapy Strategy Session. Learn more here: Appointments

Find out what dozens of other people have said after their hypnotherapy sessions with Dan: Hypnotherapy Testimonials

And check out these powerful hypnosis downloads that can start helping you right away with anxiety, confidence, self-esteem and more: Hypnosis Downloads