Social Anxiety and Self Criticism: Why You’re So Hard On Yourself

When I used to struggle with social anxiety, perhaps one of the most detrimental things I used to do came from the excessive level to which I would be hard, negative and harsh upon myself. Never mind what anyone else was thinking (often far less than we imagine), I would chastise, criticise and berate myself over any slight perceived failing or embarrassment. If I felt I’d said something stupid, done something not quite perfectly, or if I missed the opportunity to do something positive, then that self-critical inner voice would be there.

And, with social anxiety, that inner voice and the way we communicate with ourselves, probably won’t stop with just the current perceived self-failing. In my case, it will probably then also drag out a whole load of the other past mistakes and other justifications for considering myself to be a failure, stupid or an idiot in some way. A lack of self compassion, self encouragement and support can easily exacerbate and consolidate that social anxiety and the worries about failing or being judged negatively by others.

A lack of self compassion and kindness to yourself, and a habitual tendency towards self-criticism and negative self judgements, can feed your ongoing social anxiety and contribute to more generalised anxiety, lowness, perfectionism and low self-esteem.

Yet, of course, just because your social anxiety patterns of thinking and feeling currently lead to worry, negativity and lowness, doesn’t mean that you are stuck that way. It is possible to learn how to be more balanced and rational in your own thoughts and feelings towards yourself, to even encourage yourself sometimes, to recognise that sometimes things do go awry and to feel more comfortable in your own skin so that you can be more relaxed around other people.

 

Quick Summary

Many people with social anxiety are far harder on themselves than they would ever be towards other people.

Social anxiety often involves:

– replaying conversations repeatedly
– harsh self criticism
– fear of embarrassment or judgement
– perfectionism around social situations
– struggling to feel “good enough”

You get frustrated with yourself and start giving yourself a hard time.

Many people with social anxiety spend years assuming the problem is their personality, when in reality it is often a learned anxiety pattern that can change.

This article explores why social anxiety and self criticism are so closely connected – and why learning to respond differently to yourself can help anxiety become far more manageable.

 

Self Compassion and Social Anxiety

Self compassion simply means being kinder, more balanced and more supportive towards yourself, especially when things don’t go perfectly. It includes being non-judgemental about yourself and recognising your experience as part of the human condition.

Someone with a healthy level of self compassion will likely feel more comfortable in their own skin and more relaxed in who they are, what they do and what they consider to be important to them. They will feel worthy of their achievements and successes.  And they will recognise that sometimes things they do don’t go to plan and mistakes can happen, and even if they feel disappointment from this for a while, they will demonstrate resilience and learn from what they have done. Healthy self compassion has, unsurprisingly, been associated with beneficial effects on mental health and well-being.

In contrast, negative self rumination and self criticism involves being harsh and judgemental about yourself and is associated with feeling isolated and exacerbating a sense of threat in difficult times. It’s been associated with many mental health problems, including anxiety and depression. Two of the main characteristics of social anxiety are high levels or excessive levels of self criticism, and a high concern about how others perceive you, evaluate and judge you and your actions.

This worry about being judged negatively can lead someone with social anxiety to fear social situations, to avoid social situations and to spend many hours ruminating and feeling anxious about situations they have experienced and about what may happen in future social situations.

I can well remember the worry and anxiety before a work meeting or social occasion and all of the obsessional thoughts about what I might do or say wrong that would mean failure or ridicule (that in my distorted thinking would be out of all proportion and would somehow seem to mean the end of all things for me). After a social interaction I would then replay aspects of what I said and did, honing in on certain moments (which probably no one else remembered or even noticed at the time) whilst being self critical, worrying about being judged negatively and having a fear of having messed up or done something stupid and how devastating that would now be.

And, with social anxiety, it isn’t always just the dread and worry about what people might think of your perceived failures, it can also apply to positives and successes too. I’ve worked with many people where they have a fear of success because others may view them negatively as a result of what they may achieve. Any form of standing out and being noticed can be a source of potential discomfort and distress.

Many people with social anxiety don’t just fear other people judging them – they are already judging themselves constantly internally.

All of these characteristics and thinking patterns of social anxiety suggest that increasing your ability for self compassion could help with managing social situations, keeping perspective and objectivity about any perceived social mess ups and just generally treating yourself more kindly in your own self perceptions and emotions.

Given that self compassion has been associated with increased life satisfaction and social connectedness, as well as lessened self criticism, rumination, anxiety, depression and perfectionism, it is likely that someone with social anxiety will demonstrate less self compassion compared with someone without this anxiety.

In fact, Werner et al (2012) carried out a study to examine this and found, unsurprisingly, that people with social anxiety disorder reported less self compassion than those without social anxiety. This lessened self compassion may result in an increased difficulty keeping negative events in perspective, and a greater likelihood of experiencing anxiety after a stressful experience.

Research has consistently shown that people with social anxiety tend to experience:

– higher levels of self criticism
– more rumination after social situations
– lower self compassion
– greater emotional overwhelm

In simple terms, people with social anxiety are often much harsher towards themselves than other people actually are.

It is possible that these traits of someone with social anxiety may contribute to it continuing to affect you over time. This lack of self compassion leads to negative thoughts and feelings and can then feed into them becoming habitual and seemingly automatic, persistent and things that you can’t control. The fear of negative evaluation by others can seem immense and overwhelming and these distorted thinking patterns prevent you from a more balanced assessment of things.

The research also suggests that people with social anxiety can struggle to generate warmth, reassurance and kindness towards themselves. Over time, this can strengthen the negative thinking patterns and emotional overwhelm that keep social anxiety going.

That is, developing more positive thoughts and feelings towards yourself can help with reducing social anxiety symptoms. Learning to be kinder to yourself, developing more self assuredness and reducing self criticism and negative self judgement, can all contribute to you feeling better in yourself and more comfortable in social situations. Being more relaxed in yourself and less concerned about what other people think means you can look forward to interactions with others and feel more at ease about your own actions and behaviours.

As people become less hostile towards themselves internally, social situations often begin feeling far less threatening and exhausting.

Certainly hypnotherapy can help you to tackle unwanted thoughts and feelings and to build your inner comfort and confidence (in fact, self compassion is the subject of this hypnosis download available through my website: Loving Kindness For Yourself). Mindfulness based techniques, hypnosis and cognitive behavioural therapy approaches can all help you to reduce the anxiety and depression symptoms of social anxiety. This can help you with increasing your self-esteem

 

Self Compassion Benefits

Whether you are struggling with social anxiety, generalised anxiety or low self-esteem, developing more self compassion can help you to alleviate the unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviours that you may have been experiencing. You can feel more positive, comfortable and self assured in yourself, and you can feel more relaxed about your successes and about any perceived mistakes.

In another study, Krischner et al (2019) investigated the effects of two short term  self-compassion exercises. Self compassion led to positive effects on physical and mental health, with increased stress reduction, more self positivity and the ability to better regulate emotions. And as the study concluded, self-compassion reduces negative self bias and activates a content and calm state of mind with a disposition for kindness, care, social connectedness, and the ability to self-soothe when stressed.

There’s more self compassion in this earlier article: Why You Should Be Kind To Yourself – The Benefits of Self-Compassion

If anxiety has been affecting your day-to-day life, this page explains how anxiety hypnotherapy in Ely can support panic, stress and overthinking.

You can also learn more here:
– Social Anxiety Hypnotherapy in Ely & Newmarket
– Understanding Anxiety in Ely
– Hypnotherapy Reviews in Ely

Developing your ability for self compassion can help you to reduce the unwanted thoughts and feelings of social anxiety. You can gain greater control over your emotional responses, feel more able to connect with others and become more objective and relaxed about what you do and what you perceive that others are thinking about you. Rather than having a fear of social situations, you can learn to enjoy them, or at least tolerate them comfortably, and that freedom will mean you can start to feel better in yourself and in your life.

 

To your health and happiness, 

Dan Regan

Social Anxiety Hypnotherapy in Ely & Newmarket

 

Struggling with anxiety, stress, worry and fear and need some help? Find out how I can help with a Complimentary Hypnotherapy Strategy Session. Learn more here: Appointments

Find out what dozens of other people have said after their hypnotherapy sessions with Dan: Hypnotherapy Testimonials

And check out these powerful hypnosis downloads that can start helping you right away with anxiety, confidence and more: Hypnosis Downloads

 

References:

Kirschner, H., Kuyken, W., Wright, K., Roberts, H., Brejcha, C. and Karl, A., 2019. Soothing your heart and feeling connected: A new experimental paradigm to study the benefits of self-compassion. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(3), pp.545-565.

Werner, K.H., Jazaieri, H., Goldin, P.R., Ziv, M., Heimberg, R.G. and Gross, J.J., 2012. Self-compassion and social anxiety disorder. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 25(5), pp.543-558.